A Common Mistake

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😤This week's double fresh topic: Dads, Don’t Make This Common Confidence Crushing Mistake 😤

Dad Meme and Joke Of The Week

Dad Meme

Dad Joke

Q: What did the fatalist green leaf say when he got muddled in the mojito?

A: It was mint to be.

Dads, Don’t Make This Common Confidence Crushing Mistake

Dads, stop making this common mistake that might prevent your kids from thriving.

We all want to raise confident and independent kids.

But, like me, you’ve probably used this common, seemingly harmless phrase.

And it might be planting seeds of doubt and fear in our kids.

The great thing is there is a simple fix.

But first, the seemingly benign phrase.

“Be careful.”

Each time we say “be careful,” what we’re really saying is;

“Hey, I'm afraid (fear) you’re going to get hurt” and “you’re not capable of thinking about the risk and you need me to remind you.”

Trust me, I’ve said it but I try not to because…

By saying “be careful” we’re subtly reinforcing that we fear things and our kids should too.

And we lack trust in their ability to navigate life.

The result is unnecessary anxiety.

Of course, none of us wake up in the morning and declare “how can I make my kids more anxious, afraid, and a little less confident.”

We all want to raise confident, independent little explorers.

AND we want them to grow up with all their limbs, intact.

So here’s the easy fix.

Instead of “be careful”

Say “what's your plan?”

But you might think, what if my kid is barrelling toward boiling water?

Or dashing for the busy street. That’s not good right?

There is a solution for this too. But first, here’s why “what’s your plan?” is the fix.

By using ‘what’s your plan” instead of “be careful” you’re getting your kids to think about their actions, what they are trying to do, and the potential outcome.

Our goal as parents should be for our kids to assess risk independently.

Not to avoid risk.

Especially as they enter a future that will likely look very different than the one we live in.

With tech changing things daily, our kids must be great at assessing risk rather than avoiding it.

If they still don’t see the inherent risk in climbing to the top of a dead tree.

We might add a follow-up question like how are you going to make sure the limb doesn’t break beneath you or how are you going to get down?

This gets them to anticipate and think through potential obstacles or failure points.

Now back to them in immediate danger, like barrelling toward boiling water or dashing for a busy street.

When we dads are babysitting our kids (my wife says, “you don’t ‘babysit’ your own kids”), it is our job to keep them safe.

Sometimes we need to swoop in like superman and save them but then take the time to reflect.

I would argue this is rare, but sometimes our kids have a lapse in judgment and decide they want to play frogger with traffic.

Once you save them, don’t yell.

Simply ask them if they understand why you swooped in.

Ask them what might have happened if you let them complete the action.

Then explain to them how we need to respect things that could hurt us.

Takeaway:

So the next time you go to say, “be careful,” catch yourself and ask your child, “what’s your plan?”

They will likely look at you like you have six heads because they are used to hearing “be careful.”

Consistently taking the “what’s your plan?” approach will give them the confidence to independently assess the risk of things.

They will be more confident, independent, and ready to take on risks.

Because if they’re avoiding risk, they’re avoiding success.

This Week's Interesting Read:

30 Questions To Ask Your Kids Instead Of "How Was Your Day?"

How often does your after-school conversation with your child go like this:

We're excited to hear about their day.

So we ask, “How was your day?”

Their response: “fine”

And that's it. They close up faster than restaurants during covid.

My Takeaway

Here's my quick and dirty summary of the article on how to crack our kids open and stay connected:

• As kids get older, they want to keep their social life, and home life separate. Its part of natural development.

• We shouldn’t give up as dads

• We're probably asking the wrong question. “How was your day?” is too abstract, and in front of an audience (around the dinner table with siblings) is intimidating.

• Start with a less abstract opener “rate your day on a 1-10 scale.”

• Be present and make it more personal. Kids can sense if you’re not 100% available. And one-on-one is less intimidating.

• This could be a simple car ride, a trip to home depot, or a Sunday morning donut run. It is often the little moments that lead to the big opening-up moments.

• Once you get them to crack, here are a couple of my favorite questions from the article:

  • What was one thing that was challenging for you today? (younger kids)

  • What was something that made you feel sad today? (younger kids)

  • How were you brave today? (younger kids)

  • Name a rose (high) and a thorn (low) from your day. (older kids)

  • What was the most unexpected thing that happened today? (older kids)

  • What made you laugh today? (older kids)

  • Did anyone do something weird today? (older kids)

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