Let Your Kids Fight

Why Conflict Will Help Your Kids Thrive

Author

Dynasty Dad
August 08, 2022

Good morning, your bite-sized guide to raising gritty lil' geniuses by dadding against the grain. Each week we hack through a jungle of research, for you, and find one sacred stone (Indiana Jones muse in Temple of Doom), that gives you mythical powers 'in-a-heart-beat'.

đź’ŽThis weeks 'sacred stone' is coaching through conflict.đź’Ž 

Let ’em Fight, Why Kids That Learn Conflict Thrive

Your at the park with your child and all the sudden they becomes a selfish monster trying to take another kid's toy...has this happen to you?

So what’s one to do? Jump in and referee? Turn your back? Munch on some popcorn and watch it all play out?...here’s what you should do and why…

NOTE: For more on how a lawn mower mom (mom who mows, a conflict free path, in front of their children) handles conflict click here.  

As sure as death and taxes, conflict is a part of everyday life.

ONE. CONFLICT. AFTER. ANOTHER.

People seem to be conflict illiterate these days; just scroll your favorite social app for a few minutes. YIKES! (like the debate over the mysterious pink sauce).

If you stopped to think about your day you would agree it is littered with conflict: at home, on the road, at work, hell…even on the phone with your internet provider.

Now imagine a kid whose parents followed them around through childhood, resolving their conflicts for them (you know those lawn mower parents), growing up in this conflict illiterate world.

But it doesn’t have to be this way and it starts with you and I (us dads).

We dads need to show our kids how to handle conflicts. We need to be active coaches. And give our kids the tools to resolve conflict safely and on their own.

It is our job as dads to keep our kiddos and the other kids at the playground safe. So we should never let it get to fistacuffs.

Here are the four things you can do with your kids that will give them to tools to be conflict heavy weight champs.

  1. Wrestle…with feelings first. I know, I know. Gushy, gross feelings. But just like changing diapers…you gotta do it. Let's make it a little less gushy and gross. Accepting your kids' feelings. When your kids feel heard, they calm down and are more likely to listen (there are 4 tips to Wrestling with feelings here)

  2. Be Bob Saget…not Half Baked Bob….Full House Bob: Danny Tanner. Help them be good communicators by teaching them how to communicate. Suggest telling lil’ Suzy what they want or suggest they listen to lil’ Suzy’s desires at the moment. And if lil’ Suzy doesn’t want to give that shit up right now, help them understand what that means.

  3. Flick That Lightbulb On - Ask them how they might resolve it on their own. Kids like this autonomy; it’s good practice and self esteem building when they feel you trust them to problem solve on their own. Be patient. If they are struggling, toss out some ideas but let them decide which idea to go with. It takes practice but you would be surprised…it works. And if we start early…yes even at 18 months old. And give our kids a chance, especially at home with their siblings (where there is less pressure to jump in), we can make them champs.

  4. Model Conflict Resolving at Home - Be an example and show your kids how to handle conflict at home with your partner and even with your kids when you want them to do something but they just won’t budge. Most times, looking at myself in the conflict-resolution-mirror can be both personally helpful and humbling.

Bonus Tip: If your kid is over 5. These same 4 things can be used with older kids too. The earlier you start, the less your child will need your help resolving more gnarly conflicts as they get older. With older kids you should expect more from them. Expect that they will be able to come up with ideas to resolve and that they communicate their wants and feelings. Let them come up with the solutions without your help…sit back…your job is to validate and offer support in THEIR resolution process.

Now let's get OUT of our kids' conflict ring and observe like a coach from the ropes….where we only get to check in and coach between rounds. They won’t win every round but the more they spar the more likely they will become conflict champions.

What We Read This Week (1 interesting article):

  • Here is an-against-the-grain tweet summary of this Washington Post article . NOT Command and Control.

From the other two pillars of Radical Dadding: